At one point I was planning to be a traveling Christian missionary. This will shock many of you who likely perceive me as an animist pagan (truth, but isn’t the story always greater than that?).
Eye
I was raised in the Christian church (evangelical in the Midwestern United States, a notoriously conservative area) and went to college at a secular university (I got a soccer & academic scholarship).
I started off studying religion “to know what other people believed.” Presumably to be more respectful as I tried to convert them!
I just want to say as an aside at this point that I’m not making any value judgments on Your faith or on Christianity as a whole. Please don’t preach at me, make an argument (I won’t respond) or think I’m seeking to offend you. I’m not! I’m just telling my story.
I should also say that the structure/cultural elements of Christianity aside, my connection with God was always something I deemed as mystical. I was more attracted to the solitude of prayer/communing with God and Oneness than complying with the social mores or outer norms.
Whirling Dervish
In one college class, we were looking at the mystical sect of Islam, Sufism.
I didn’t really know much about it, but always felt attracted to the whirling dervishes, those who spin to achieve union with God. It was all well and good, a healthy appreciation... until we started reading the poetry of Rumi, an Islamic scholar turned poet-mystic.
There is a life-force within your soul, seek that life.
There is a gem in the mountain of your body, seek that mine.
O traveler, if you are in search of That
Don't look outside, look inside yourself and seek That.
Translations by Shahram Shiva
(From the book, Rumi, Thief of Sleep)
I’m not sure which poem it was that initiated the inner struggle, but some of the readings we did touched me profoundly. I had the thought,
This person feels the way I feel about God.
And that scared me!
Cup of Tea
A thirsty man calls out, 'Delicious water,
where are you?' while the water moans,
'Where is the water drinker?'
The thirst in our souls is the attraction
put out by the Water itself.
We belong to It,
and It to us.
From Desire and the Importance of Failing
For someone indoctrinated to believe that Jesus is the only way to heaven, this completely turned my world upside down.
I realized that Christianity didn’t have a corner on the market of God. Rumi’s devotion and longing, fervent adoration and knowing of union with God was something I was very familiar with. The only problem was that it wasn’t a part of Christianity.
Where was Jesus in Rumi’s poems?
While Jesus, Moses, Solomon and others do appear in Rumi’s poems, he’s not the solid ticket to God he is in Christianity. It realistically took me years to grapple with this total rupture in my spiritual worldview. It was the crack that spouted gold and the doorway into a much larger reality than the one I’d assumed from my upbringing.
Who Says Words With My Mouth?
All day I think about it, then at night I say it.
Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing? I have no idea.
My soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure of that,
and I intend to end up there.
This drunkenness began in some other tavern.
When I get back around to that place,
I'll be completely sober. Meanwhile,
I'm like a bird from another continent, sitting in this aviary.
The day is coming when I fly off, but who is it now in my ear who hears my voice?
Who says words with my mouth?
Who looks out with my eyes? What is the soul?
I cannot stop asking.
If I could taste one sip of an answer,
I could break out of this prison for drunks.
I didn't come here of my own accord, and I can't leave that way.
Whoever brought me here will have to take me home.
This poetry, I never know what I'm going to say.
I don't plan it.
When I'm outside the saying of it,
I get very quiet and rarely speak at all.
From Essential Rumi
by Coleman Barks
Forest Light
The existential crisis that followed was difficult. I also had a lot of injuries playing soccer and couldn’t continue playing as I felt that the injuries were a message to change that aspect of my life as well. I lost both of the key aspects of my identity within a year’s time: goodbye Christian Athlete...
Hello Seeker.
I know my mom and others were worried for me during this time. It was a total deconstructing of how I perceived the world. At the time what felt groundless and scary was actually one of the greatest opportunities of my life. I dove in wholeheartedly.
Not Here
There's courage involved if you want
to become truth. There is a broken- open place in a lover.
Where are those qualities of bravery and sharp compassion in this group?
What's the use of old and frozen thought? I want a howling hurt.
This is not a treasury where gold is stored; this is for copper.
We alchemists look for talent that can heat up and change. Lukewarm won't do. Halfhearted holding back, well-enough getting by? Not here.
From Soul of Rumi
by Coleman Barks
The story doesn’t end there of course. There were many years of seeking, experimenting, soul searching and exploration of differing spiritualities.
This search has made me who I am today, though at my core I still relate to the notion of the Mystic, one who connects directly with God and seeks union.
The experience of reading one poem had set a deep longing in my heart. I knew if another person felt the way I did about God, there couldn’t only be one way.. I learned that Christianity didn’t have a corner on the market.
The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don't go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don't go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don't go back to sleep.
From Essential Rumi
by Coleman Barks
This post was written by a passenger of the #ecotrain. Check the tag often for more consciousness-raising articles!
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